Toby and I were having a phone conversation the other night, and I said how I found it strange that my close friend Davina (whom I have known for over 20 years) has recently stopped ending her text messages with kisses. She used to end them with 5 kisses – sometimes “xxxxx”, but sometimes “XxXxX” – this is why the sudden absence of these kisses is noticeable.
I wondered aloud to Toby whether, at 26, Davina now felt that she had to be grown up and not add kisses? There was no issue of a loss of friendship, as her language was still affectionate: she started her most recent text to me with “Hey hunny”. My conversation with Toby developed into a more general rumination on how many kisses it is appropriate to put at the end of a text message, and the complex set of ‘rules’ (or more precisely, considerations) that we all take into account – often without even thinking about it.
For example, because I love Toby to pieces, I basically hammer the X button until I feel that it is enough – the kisses that I send him can vary anywhere between 5 and 12. Because I text Toby far more than anyone else, at the end of typing messages my finger therefore automatically goes towards the X. This can be a problem thought if I am not texting Toby, and some restraint needs to be exercised. For example, Mike is quite manly and is also 37. So he doesn’t put any kisses at the end of his texts, and I have to make sure that I don’t put any at the end of texts I send to him, as it would be a tiny bit odd – although it’s quite difficult to explain why this is. The same with Trevor, my colleague with whom I car share and get on with well, who is in his late 50s. However, I find it weird not ending a text message with some sort of sign-off, so instead I put a smiley face. Trevor (being quite relaxed) from time to time also uses smiley faces; Mike does not. Out of all of my friends, it is most acceptable to end texts to Mike without any punctuation or sign-off whatsoever. But I find it weird not to use anything at all – the text then feels blunt, functional and lacking in my personality.
But is my personality immature to be using kisses at the end of texts to people other than my close friends or partner? With close friends like Hannah or Karina, I might end my texts with two or three kisses. With Nick, another close friend who is a boy, I might end my texts with one or two kisses – to preserve some semblance of masculinity; and also, because there is only one man who gets all my kisses, and that is Toby. So does this mean that there is a fundamental but extremely subtle hierarchy of respect to family and partners, as well as consideration of gender, level of friendship, and sexuality? For example – it feels more acceptable to put kisses on the end of texts to Nick than to Mike, as Nick is gay whereas Mike is straight. But surely that is stupid? On the rare occasion that I accidentally end texts to Mike with an x or two, he has never said anything or been remotely bothered.
Something that Toby pointed out to me is that just as I do with him, he usually leaves me a lot of kisses at the end of his texts to me. But very occasionally, I only get two or three – and me being me, I notice this and wonder if there is any reason for it. I found out through our conversation – because I have an iPhone, I have no character count on my texts. But Toby’s phone still has a character count; and so, to avoid going over the character limit into what is technically a “new page” of the text message, sometimes he will only have two or three characters left, which means that I get less kisses than I am accustomed to. So another thing that I have to remember is that we all have different phones and different contracts / allowances.
To friends of mine who are reasonably good friends (for example, Mike’s wife Caroline, or my colleagues Amy and Charlotte at work), I will end my texts with one kiss; to people whom I don’t really know that well, or am texting for specific information, there are no kisses to preserve a business-like approach. But as I grow older, and in theory more mature, should I be ending my text messages in a more perfunctory way? I don’t even know if Davina has had this conscious thought – all I’ve noticed is a change, and I am just projecting onto it. But it triggered an interesting discussion, and a realisation that there are a lot of subtle things that we consider, almost automatically, when we send text messages to our friends, partners, colleagues and so on. As a 25-year-old man, am I too old to be ending my texts with kisses? Or should I just carry on, be myself and not think about it so much? Surely this is overthinking something very simple; but as I’ve illustrated, the etiquette of kisses on texts is deceptively complicated. And a lot of the mystery was dispelled through an actual real-time voice conversation, which possibly speaks volumes… At the end of the day, text messages can be an excellent form of quick and convenient communication, but shades of meaning and levels of affection can be conveyed much more accurately and honestly through tone of voice and the spontaneity of a real-time conversation.
Here’s part 3 of the track walkthrough for my new album Quiet Storm. Enjoy, download the album if you haven’t heard it (at the link above or the one at the foot of the page) and find parts 1 & 2 of the track walkthrough too, if you haven’t read those. 🙂
12. Rain (Interlude)
This was nothing more than a simple segue between “Quiet Storm”, and the literal idea of a storm, and the next track, “Jump Off (Part II)” which has a very dark, sad feel. I thought that the rain was effective, atmospheric, and also reminds me of the interludes on Janet Jackson’s janet. album where there would be short, simple interludes of rain and wind which would keep the mood flowing.
13. Jump Off (Part II)
This song is another of my favourite songs on the album, and is one of the more personal tracks also. Lyrically, it discusses feeling like even when you fall for people, they can tell you the nicest things but by next week, you’re old news and they’re onto the next. It’s about feeling used, even if you were down for it at the time, but realising that just because someone tells you that you’re beautiful or that they love you, doesn’t mean they mean it. So in the song, I’m wondering whether even in all my dalliances over the past couple of years, I’ve let my heart get hurt all the time when it was just about sex and I should have just focused on the fun. Musically, I like the combination of the deep beats and the music box / piano over the top, which gives it a combination of darkness and fragility. Originally, the song was going to be a straightforward R&B ballad (and you can hear a snippet of the original version on my High Fashion mixtape), but having heard The-Dream’s original version of Mariah Carey’s “H.A.T.E.U.” (as well as the snippet of her version, on the fantastic Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel) I was inspired to totally revamp the track, restructuring the lyrics somewhat as well as making the music much more R&B and much more emotional and sensitive. I think it worked, and I was so pleased with the way that this track turned out.
14. Devastate Me
This song is based on a track that is allegedly an instrumental from Britney Spears’ Blackout sessions (IMO, her best album along with In The Zone), since I found it on a mixtape with lots of other songs. If you listen closely in the background, then you can hear what sounds like tiny snatches of Britney’s voice once or twice. Anyway, I liked the dark, intense feel of the track, along with its pulsing beats and menacing strings, so I just decided to write some lyrics over the top of it. The idea of feeling devastated seemed to go with the dramatic nature of the music, and lyrically the song speaks about somebody having you wrapped around their finger, and even though you might be in love with them or have formed some attachment to that person, you still know that they’re not necessarily good for you, and at any moment they could let you down or leave you in the dust, and you’ve put so much effort into loving them that you’re left with nothing – devastated. The idea of knowing this is where the line “you done tricked me twice so the shame is not on you” comes in – you know exactly what you’re letting yourself in for, you just can’t make yourself resist, however hard you try. It’s a tricky and intense situation!
15. Kissing You
This song was a really happy accident! Some of the tracks on here took months of planning and development to come to fruition production-wise, whereas this took maybe a day or so. I remember waking up in the morning and just having the refrain “Kissing you…. all I can think of is” going round and round in my brain. One of the songs that inspired the whole nocturnal, R&B/dark concept of the album (when I was deciding what kind of feel I wanted to explore for my next project) was the track “When We Kiss (Missing You)” by an old girl group, Solid Harmonie, which I used to listen to when I was about 13 or 14! So I doubt many people will recognise the sample of that song, which is what this track is based upon. The deep, sparse bass and Japanese martial-arts type yell are from that song, as well as the bridge (which sneakily uses the girls’ vocals as backing, while I sing over the top). I accentuated the oriental aspect of the production by adding some piano and shamisen to the mix, as well as extra beats towards the end. I wanted the song to be mysterious, as its about an obsession that you can’t explain or logically untangle, but something that you can’t resist and just have to follow. It’s where your heart rules your head, be it through lust or love. The song is focused on the physical (a kiss) but also the emotional, of a love arriving when you least expect it and taking over your world. The negative (as explored in “Jump Off (Part II)” and “Devastate Me”) ceding to the positive (this song and the next). Love triumphing. This song is one of the sexier songs on the record, even though it’s not really about sex. It’s one of my favourites too, as it really has that mysterious, nocturnal feel that I wanted to be the overarching theme of the album. It’s subtle, yet intense.
16. In Love
Like the last track, this song is largely built upon a girl-group sample. In this case, it’s Mis-Teeq’s “It’s Beginning To Feel Like Love”, which was an album track from Eye Candy. I liked the spacey feel of the song (a track that didn’t make it into the album or the mixtape was actually called “Space”), and I wanted to write a ballad that was very chilled, that you could relax to. I said that I thought “Secret” was possibly the most romantic track on Quiet Storm, but perhaps this gives it a run for its money. It’s just about how happy love can make you feel, and how unexpected the intensity of that happiness can be. It’s about feeling untouchable in the midst of love, and about all your pain being healed by your feelings for that other person, and their reciprocation of those feelings towards you. It’s a very optimistic, healing track lyrically, and the calmness of the production adds to that. I added in some piano (again!) in the bridge to give it a little extra kick towards the end.
17. Come Home To Me
For me, this track is definitely going to be a single from Quiet Storm. It’s very short and sweet, very immediate, and the beat is quite reggae-inspired, despite the overall feel of the production being straightforward R&B/pop. The thunder rumbling at the very start of the song fits in with the overarching idea of a “Quiet Storm”, but it also represents the lyrical motif of the song, saying that although we had storms in the past, it’s time to get over it. It’s about a lover who may have been unfaithful or made mistakes, so you had a bust-up, but now you’re ready to forgive them and give things another try. It’s about recognising that sometimes, even though we may try to be strong and independent, ultimately we have to forgive someone’s transgressions and not cut our nose off to spite our face. That’s not always the right message, and sometimes someone may do something too serious to be able to let them back in. But when it’s the little things that cause a breakup, with time you can see whether it’s really worth being alone or whether it’s better to forgive and make up. The song steals from Rihanna’s “Umbrella” towards the end, with the “forever ever ever eh eh eh” at the end – that was just a little bit of fun! The backing vocals in the second verse are also inspired from a nu-classic Janet Jackson track, “Take Care”, from her 20 Y.O. album, which IMO is one of her best works and seriously underrated – another track which infused the concept and production within my album.
The final part, iv, coming soon! Keep it locked, and thankyou all for the support once again. 🙂
The first thing that I remember is being at lunch in a fancy restaurant, ordering French pastries with Charlotte from Sex and the City. We were discussing relationships and sex, and about whether I was a failure for not having gotten married yet. Charlotte was as lovely and reassuring as she is on the tv programme, and I remember as I took bites out of my French cake (strawberry – which I normally don’t like), she told me that I was young and that there was plenty of time to fall in love. We sprayed each other with the new Prada fragrance, L’eau Ambrée, and it was delicious.
I left the restaurant and Charlotte, and met up with Rob (the Romanian) and we went back to my place (I had a very white apartment) where we sat on the bed and were talking and flirting for ages. (I am wearing my Opium Pour Homme today as I type this as a result) At one point I was so tempted to kiss him, but I couldn’t do it because he had/has a boyfriend and that would not really be ethical. I reached out and stroked his face, and he nuzzled into it while saying “You know that I can’t do that”. The tension mounted and I kept my hand against his cheek, but eventually the moment passed and I had to go.
The next thing I know, I was walking along the edge of a bayou (!!!) and I came to a big wooden Colonial-style house with lots of people crowded around on the veranda. I mingled with the crowd, looking for Rob and it transpired that his family owned the house. There was a raft on the river of the bayou, ready to “set sail”, and I tried to get Rob to go on it with me and we could go down the river together. However, once I sat on the raft I discovered that his sister was going to use the raft with me, and she was a prostitute. She got on the raft, along with a couple of other guys, and Rob disappeared and we started to drift upstream, towards the big white gates of the city. The gates opened, and after some forgettable conversation, I got off the raft and left Rob’s sister and her guys to it. I walked along the street and went back to my apartment. The whole city looked as if it had been whitewashed, and it was ominously pristine and futuristic.
I went into my apartment block, and suddenly a siren sounded and the dean from St. Anne’s College at Oxford University, Martin Jackson, came thundering down the stairs and informed me that we were on ‘high alert’. He told me to follow him up the stairs to a safe part of the building, and I had no choice but to do so. He led me to an isolated part of the apartment block on the top floor, where all of the doors were sliding and gleaming white, with no handles or anything – they seemed to open and close of their own accord, as if they could see us coming.
Once I arrived on the top floor, I found out that the country / world was on ‘high alert’, because the Chinese had massive guns that they were using to shoot down all the other countries. (Dreams are not logical.) Although we were trying to fight back with our own guns, our guns were not as big and therefore we were almost certain to lose, and the world was due to descend into warfare and possibly the end of the world. So that was why it was important to take refuge now, before it was too late. In the top floor of the apartment building, there was a hallway leading off to three rooms. I chose to enter the room on the left, which was furnished largely in red velvet with chairs set up for an audience. At the front of the room was a massive flat-screen television, and it appeared that we were supposed to be watching something. I have no idea what was supposed to happen in the other two rooms, but I had the impression that it was something more sinister and that I had chosen well.
Little by little, the room began to fill up with people, including my friend Hannah, and also a girl from school called Hannah Drake. Hannah found me and we were relieved that we were both safe. Meanwhile, the screen began to show Street Fighter games for different gaming platforms (including the Playstation and the Sega Saturn; it was some weird hybrid of Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat). Akuma from Street Fighter actually entered the room and sat himself down, all fiery red hair and glowing eyes, and finally the film began to start. It was very abstract and didn’t explain much. At one point, me and Hannah looked at each other and started giggling because it made no sense, but one of the old women seated behind us hushed us and told us to pay attention to the film as it was important. I remember lots of cityscapes and white gleaming buildings, and that was it!
I was sitting in the back of the car on the way back from Tetbury today, where my parents and I went for lunch. I was in a pretty foul mood, for several reasons: since upgrading my Macbook to Snow Leopard yesterday, I’d had numerous application faults, and the latest was that I was unable to use my printer, which meant that I was unable to make a start on the preparatory task I’d been given for uni. (I’ve since fixed the printer, and after numerous re-installs and restarts, Snow Leopard seems to be working fine now, and has also made my iPod go back to working at normal speed! 🙂 ) I was then feeling apprehensive at the prospect of having lunch with my parents, because it’s always the same: we go to a pub out in the country, have some standard food and drink, either make stiff conversation or blend into the background while my parents talk to each other, and then turn around and come home again. I just can’t be bothered to make the effort for something so boring, and playing ‘happy families’ feels so fake. I then had to get changed to go on this lunch, and I realised that half of my wardrobe is effectively shit, which meant that I ended up throwing a pile of clothes across the room in search of something to wear. When I found a garment that was suitable, I had to pick these clothes up and put them back on my chair. I dumped too much hair gel on my head in the midst of this rage, and then had to make it work. (I did.) Then I got downstairs after my mother kept hollering at me to “hurry up”, and proceeded to wait for my parents!!! If they were telling me to hurry up, why did I end up waiting for them?
So I was in a mega-sulk. I was listening to Courtney Love / Hole on my iPod and saying nothing, reading American Psycho. After walking around Tetbury (since it is so tiny, it did not take long), we ended up going for lunch in a place called The Crown. For the first half an hour, I was quite unimpressed by The Crown. The decor was a bit run down, but that wasn’t really an issue. However, my mother ordered a tonic water, and received half a glass, which I brought to her and then brought back to the bar to check that it was meant to be that small an amount of water. (It was.) Then two dogs (why were dogs in the pub?!?! They weren’t guide dogs) proceeded to have a loud fight in the corner, and my father brought over the food menu, which consisted of 6 items, including “lazange” and “cod & chips in sause”. After clearing up the residue from the bottoms of our glasses, because we were not provided coasters (nor did they seem to exist anywhere in this establishment), I settled on the “lazange” because my parents were getting irritated at my mood and the fact that I could not decide what to eat (they said that we might have to go elsewhere, and I did not want to deal with the combination of their annoyance at my indecisiveness, and prolonging our stay in Tetbury any more than was necessary). It turned out that the lasagne was lovely, and so was the garlic bread that came with it. The food was that place’s saving grace; still, I don’t think I will be going back there again.
Eventually, my parents engaged me in conversation and things started to improve as my mood slowly lifted. We talked about my mother’s friend who looks like she is going to die of cancer quite soon, then about certain friends and relatives of mine who have pissed me off either by criticising my every decision (I am not a moron: I know the risks and possible consequences of smoking / using a sunbed / drinking a coffee at Starbucks / spending a lot of money / not getting as much sleep as would be ideal. I’m an adult and I can make decisions for myself and weigh up the pros and cons. If I decide to do something, I don’t need you on my back asking me if I’m sure I want to be doing that, because this is my life and I don’t tell you how to live yours. Yes, you are criticising me and my ability to choose what I want to do, and I have had enough of it thanks, so please don’t ‘impart your wisdom’ in the future, because I don’t want it and I don’t need it.) or by suddenly getting indignant that I don’t want to see whatever crappy film they choose, because I am tired of wasting my money on films I have no interest in, and going to the cinema is not a particularly sociable activity anyway, so why is it suddenly such a problem if I don’t want to see your film and am happy just to go to a café and converse? And when somebody else is busy, I politely accept it, but now that I have other commitments, it inconveniences them and I’m supposed to feel guilty? No way.
So I let off a bit of steam, my parents assured me that I was utterly in the right and had nothing to feel guilty about, and that to just let the people who were on my back have some space and it would all be fine. A sensible plan I shall try to adhere to! We left Tetbury, and I started thinking about other people who have gotten on my nerves. My thoughts turned to my ex, and my mind went over how I had sent a text message revealing my intent to break up with him to him instead of to my friend Hannah. He chose to believe I had done it on purpose, that I had orchestrated the whole thing on purpose for an easy escape and to humiliate him in the process. That was totally not the case, and I tried to explain it and was sorry to have sent him that message; it was an honest accident, and Hannah was meant to receive the message (it even said her name at the beginning!). But his friends, who had never met me, told him I must have done it on purpose, so he chose to believe them rather than me. That’s fine, that’s his loss. I don’t apologise twice, I didn’t want to be with him anyway, so I let him believe what he wanted – I was emancipated at the end of the day. I regret causing somebody hurt like that, but I don’t feel guilty because it was an honest mistake that I had apologised for; to have that apology thrown back in my face by not only him, but other people who don’t know me at all made the whole thing easier for me to just move on.
But thinking about it, I thought that I couldn’t believe that I let him touch me, put his hands on me, kiss me. It makes my skin crawl, not only because he was so clingy, but sometimes the thought of physical contact makes me shudder. I’m generally quite at ease with physical contact – I’m quite close to my parents and my friends, hugging them and such. Obviously, I’m not a virgin so when I’m in the mood to be intimate with someone, it feels right and I’m not forced into it. But when I put my mind to it, I don’t like people seeing my naked body (and never have); returning to the idea of façades, I try to give off the idea that I am confident in the way I look and at ease with my body, because it makes me appear more confident and flawless. But in reality, I don’t like feeling exposed and I don’t like being touched or kissed or anything like that. I have major trust issues, I know that. Every single person I have dated has let me down in one way or another, and quite a few of them have just wanted sex from me and then got bored, either because they weren’t going to get it, or because they got it and then they didn’t have to pretend to be interested in me as a person anymore. At times, it makes me sick that I’ve let these people touch me, put their hands on me and use me to further their own pleasure. Sometimes I wish that I were untouchable; sometimes I wish that I could just disconnect my heart and mind from my body and float off somewhere while people are doing what they want to do with me, to me, for me. Sometimes I wish that I could be with somebody who really liked me for who I am. Because I am tired of protecting my heart, only to let somebody in and then it all goes wrong and I am hurt and used anyway. I guess that whether it’s physical or emotional, it’s the thought that I have been used that makes me really sick, hurt and regretful.
I love… Trey Songz’ new album. You already know that I am feeling LeToya’s Lady Love (read the review here), and you can add Trey Songz’ Ready to that list. A step up from his previous Trey Day (which in turn was a step up from his debut), there are plenty of standout tracks such as the single “I Need A Girl”, the urgent “Black Roses”, the epic closer “Yo Side Of The Bed” (which really reminds me of Prince’s “Purple Rain” at the beginning and in certain places where the guitar kicks in) and the ridiculously silly and yet chirpily addictive “LOL 🙂 “. I guess I am a slave to Soulja Boy – it is my ringtone already. Listen to it and enchant yourself… (maybe that is the wrong word but you’ll see what I mean!) But it’s a really impressive, solid album, with great vocals from Trey, nice production throughout. Dude is the new R. Kelly, for sure.
I don’t love… being fooled. By now I should know better, I really really should. Basically, I was on the dating site and I noticed that R was online. So I clicked on him out of curiosity, and his profile basically said “In Birmingham on the 25th, at such and such hotel, looking for a horny 18-25 yo guy for fun times.” I was like “OKAAAAY… so do you have a boyfriend or not? And if so, where the fuck is he?” (Certainly not in Birmingham.) Either R is a liar or he is a cheat, and yet for a week I was spinning out thinking how wonderful he was. Maybe I’m more naïve than I thought. Maybe his profile got hacked… but that’s really unlikely, and I’m not that naïve. So I was inspired to write a song called “Delete U”, which I finished the rough edit of today. Needs a little polishing, but I took that feeling of disappointment and was spurred into creativity, so it can’t be all bad. And I certainly don’t pine for him anymore, though in honesty I haven’t pined for him for a couple of weeks now. It’s just surprising when you think you connect with somebody and then you find out that they are a whole other person. Not good for my judgment of character. :S
I love… the new Prada L’eau Ambrée. I came across it in Debenhams today (during a reasonably successful shopping trip, which involved worshipping at the altars of Britney Spears and Zara), smelled it and felt love. Love for the utterly sophisticated black and gold bottle. Love for the sexy blonde model in the ad copy. And most of all, love for the soft amber-floral-cream fragrance. I am going to return to Debenhams tomorrow for another smell. All the while repeating to myself “I must not buy it, I must not buy it, I must not buy it…”
I don’t love… wishing I were constantly somewhere else. I said in my previous post that I had travelled to various exotic locations in my dreams, but I really wish that I could just run away to Milan, to Marbella, to Brazil, to Hawaii, to New York… and start a new life. I have goals that I want to achieve while I’m here in Bristol, such as: getting my Careers Guidance qualification, getting my driving licence, moving out, getting a sixpack, getting a hot boyfriend, dressing head-to-toe in Gucci. But some of these are more likely than others, and I hope that by the age of 30 I will be set up in one of these countries. I don’t know why, but I have never felt at home in England. I don’t feel the slightest twinge of patriotism (though I do love my city, Bristol), and my brain tells me that land is land, and a home is what you make it, so I should be able to live anywhere because it’s all the same. But my emotions and heart cry out for the various places I have listed (most of which I haven’t even visited!) because I can imagine being happy there, or finding certain elements which would fit me a lot more than the awkwardness that Bristol sometimes forces upon me. Here, I have lots of friends and I know where and how to enjoy myself, but I don’t really fit into or click into a niche, and I would like to find a place where I can do that. Just maybe.
I love… feeling loved. My grandmother is off to Italy on Thursday, and even though she really upset me last week with some insensitive comments, this week it’s water under the bridge. I’m really going to miss her for the 3 weeks that she is away! My mother and I have been getting on really well lately, and I don’t feel closer to anyone than her, even though there are a lot of things that I don’t wish to tell her at times. My closest friends are either living in other cities, travelling about the country / continent, or preparing for new faraway opportunities, but yet I am glad for each of them and hold them dear to me. And even if it’s just in my dreams, the sweet kisses and loving embraces of Thore Schölermann / Rafael Verga / random indie DVD cashiers keep me warm and make me feel like maybe that could one day happen in reality, just like a fairytale. A really, really sexy fairytale. Who knows… we live in reality, but it doesn’t mean that dreams don’t come true. If it’s rare, it means that it happens, and hopefully it’ll happen to me. As always, when it does, you’re gonna be some of the first to know! Thankyou for reading once again, take it easy 🙂
☆ I am... chase. ★ 