25.

In 2 hours, I will be 25 years old (and so will my twin Ciara – wish us both a happy birthday!). One year ago, I released my album Quiet Storm on this very blog! In the absence of new music (as I still haven’t bought my new microphone yet), you can stream my album on Soundcloud! Go and give it a listen if you haven’t already. 🙂

This is not the only accomplishment I have to be proud of. I am taking my driving test this coming week after finally making the decision to get back on the horse and get back in the car and get my licence. I hope that I pass; I wish I could visualise myself passing! I am a secret pessimist about it, but at the same time I also know that I am driving better now than I ever have, and that I really should pass. So hopefully I will be able to actualise this ambition and get a car. I also made a new best friend and I have a proper job, at last! Again, not too much that I can talk about with regards to that on here (in the interests of professionalism), but it feel good to have a decent salary and foot on the professional ladder. My other aim, apart from a car, is to move out and get my own little flat. So this year has been pretty sweet, and in 2 months when I do my roundup of 2010, there will be many, many positive things to it, and hopefully I can add even more to my current list. After all, in 60 days, who knows what will happen?

This is the first birthday that I have been in love with somebody who truly loves me back. Toby and I have been together for nearly 10 months now, and in the grand scheme of relationships, it’s been pretty plain sailing. I had a wobble early on, but this relationship has given me so much in terms of teaching me to overcome my own fears and insecurities about being loved, deserving love, and being able to love someone back. Toby is utterly amazing, and I really look forward to seeing him on Friday when it’s his birthday and he opens his gifts. Long distance hasn’t been that difficult, because I guess that somewhere along the line I grew up and discovered that this is what I want. No drama, no second guessing, no rulebook of dos and don’ts, no playing hard to get; when you truly love someone and someone truly loves you, you just be together and love is simple and straightforward and wonderful. Relationships take compromise and work, but at the end of the day if the love is there then the compromise and work is easy to do. Toby and I are both working towards the same goal, we both want the same thing, and therefore any obstacle in our path gets trampled over without much difficulty. The only thing that causes me heart pangs is how much I miss him. Originally, when the prospect of Toby going to London first appeared, I thought that the space would be good, that seeing each other every other weekend would be a good thing as it would mean that we both have our own lives and wouldn’t suffocate one another.

This theory makes sense, in theory. However, in practice it’s getting harder to say goodbye at the end of each weekend. I am ready to be closer to him, and I think that he feels the same. One thing is that I never take this love for granted. I always wanted someone to love me, I always wanted to have somebody to care for and to reciprocate that, and now I have it. I feel like I am on top of the world. I saw my friend Helen this weekend, whom I haven’t seen in two years, and she said two things upon seeing me: that I look so thin (in a good way!), and that I look so happy. And I am! Although there is still stress in my life, this is one thing that has fallen into place so naturally and has really brought me peace within myself. In the past, dating felt like such a gamble, such a procedure like walking on eggshells just in case somebody’s nose got put out of joint (either mine or the other person’s). With Toby, this just didn’t happen, really – okay, at first it was a little bumpy while we got to know each other, but I always felt that our courtship was relatively straightforward, and every hesitant thought I had was of my own making. Those are gone now; I know what I want, and while I know that nothing is guaranteed, I feel that I have relaxed into my relationship and I can appreciate how happy it makes me with no apparent downside! I don’t believe that you need love to be complete; I am still working on completing myself, and I have many more personal and professional goals that Toby cannot help me with. But Toby has shown me that I am capable of and deserving of so much, and I hope that I give him as much happiness and serenity as he has given me. That has been the greatest benefit of all this year.

believing in me.

Yesterday I performed three songs at the BAYS (Bristol Active Youth Group) 2010 summer party: “Russian Roulette” by Rihanna, “No One” by Alicia Keys and “You Lost Me” by Christina Aguilera. I was privileged that Ness invited me to perform, and it also gave me the opportunity to prove several things to myself.

1. I hadn’t performed in front of an audience for a few years, and I wanted to know that I still had what it takes to entertain people and that my voice was still enjoyable for people to listen to.
2. That I was capable of singing 3 relatively vocally-intense songs in succession, in front of an audience without messing up or without my voice failing me. Basically, that I could do justice to the material I had chosen.
3. That I could still competently sing these songs despite the fact that I am now a smoker.
4. That, despite my absence from performing, I could perform through the nerves.

I am happy to report that I proved all of these things to myself and I did a great job: everyone seemed to enjoy my performances and was very complimentary about my voice; one girl even said she wanted to marry me! (I think Toby would have something to say about that!) So that was lovely: I also enjoyed watching Ness dance to Lady GaGa, and there was an MC beatboxing who was fantastically talented… some of what I saw would put celebrity musicians to shame. It was touching to see young talent on display in my community, and moreover, a group of young people coming together to do something positive for their community.

Then, today I have just come back from my driving lesson. Despite the fact that it’s taking a lot longer to reach my driving test than I originally anticipated, I finally got roundabouts 100% sorted out (my last problem area) and now I feel that I will be capable of doing everything I need to in my driving test. Plus, my driving instructor was less of a fool this time than he was last week. So I am feeling good: this is the way I like to start a week, with a sense of positive accomplishment two days in a row.  I hope this continues, especially considering that the time has finally come to start my new job at Cirencester College on Monday. I have to keep up my sense of self-belief, because this is how I can keep transforming and improving my life. 🙂

Rihanna – Wait Your Turn / Te Amo / Hard reviews. (from Rated R)

EDIT: peep the full Rated R album review HERE!

Thankyou to everyone for reading my review of Rihanna’s first single “Russian Roulette”, from her forthcoming album Rated R. Together, you guys have made it the most popular post out of all of the posts on my blog!  So I really appreciate that.  If you get a moment, please also take a look and a listen to my new album, Quiet Storm, available on this post here.

So since my review of “Russian Roulette” seems to have gone down well, I thought that I would review the other songs that we now have from Rated R, which are: “Wait Your Turn”, “Te Amo” and the recently-leaked “Hard”.

Wait Your Turn

Before “Russian Roulette” was officially released on Rihanna’s website, there was a metallic “R” (her new logo, as you can see in her album cover above) and a countdown timer bearing the message “The Wait Is Ova”; that message is this song’s main refrain.  Although the production of the song is suitably dark and the lyrics are tough, the song takes a while to stick in the listener’s mind, especially as the chorus seems somewhat weak.  Out of all the songs we’ve heard from Rated R so far, this is the weakest track, despite the fact it is the first one we have a video for:

The plus sides to this song: Rihanna embodies swagger, which comes across in both the dark, grainy video with her strutting through various shadowy landscapes in fashionable outfits, and in the thick island accent she employs on the verses: “I pitch wit a grenaaayaaaade”! The electric guitar in the background amplifies the song’s confidence.  Overall, it’s not awful, but still far from Rihanna’s best, and falls short as a declaration that she is ‘back’ – if anything, it plays more like a buzz single than a confident statement of intent.

Te Amo

This song was the first track to be leaked from Rated R, though nobody knew this at the time; it only became apparent when the album’s tracklisting included this title.  Of course, it’s possible that the song may have been remixed or improved with additional production / vocals, but the song as we have it currently is an undulating, mid-tempo ballad (if there can be such a thing).  Rihanna sings about a female friend who tries to express her love for her while they dance together; however, Rihanna is happy to have a friendship but wants nothing more.  Nevertheless, their dance is depicted with a sense of romance and longing, and the sadness in her voice when she sings “‘Te amo’, somebody tell me what she said, don’t it mean ‘I love you’?” is palpable.

The setting of a dancefloor “underneath the candelabra”, followed by seemingly walking along the beach gives the song an exotic setting to match with its use of Spanish phrasing.  Production wise, this track could have easily fit within Good Girl Gone Bad, but nevertheless it carries itself well and along with “Russian Roulette”, displays Rihanna’s more vulnerable side, which contrasts with…

Hard

The most recently-leaked of the Rated R tracks, this song really does go hard!  The most urban of the Rated R tracks (and it features a rap from Young Jeezy), it once again embodies swagger and non-stick confidence.  “Meet me at the top top top, it’s gettin’ lonely”… Rihanna sees herself as a “lion”, a fierce defender of her crown as a survivor (hmm, of what? Chris Brown and domestic violence? Bloggers and haters (who are picked up on in the lyrics)? General negativity and envy?) and as a superstar.  The clashing drums and sinister trumpets give the song a menacing, dense backbeat over which Rihanna yells what sounds like a call to arms.  It’s a very confrontational song in its production, vocal delivery (none of the light fluff of “Shut Up And Drive” here!) and lyrics: the opening lyric in one way says it all: “They can say whatever, I can do whatever, no pain is forever, yep, you know this”.

Out of the three songs, “Hard” is probably the best of the bunch, and I’ve heard some people saying that it should have been the first single.  I think that a video for this track has to happen, as Rihanna’s dark fashionista style and haughty pout would suit the message of the song perfectly; it’s easy for me to imagine the video for “Wait Your Turn” suiting this track much better.

Nevertheless, both “Hard” and “Te Amo”, like “Russian Roulette”, are promising indicators of an album which shows not only a growing maturity but also a hardening and darkening of Rihanna’s persona and style (only “Wait Your Turn” is a bit of a disappointment). Whether this is a result of just being older and more experienced in the music industry, having survived her turbulent relationship and subsequent media hoopla in the past year, or worshipping Satan (!!!!!!!!!!! I had to LOL when I read that story!  But you never know…), it seems like Rated R will be a cohesive work and an evolution from Good Girl Gone Bad.  Whether the new album has the hit factor that its predecessor contained is debatable – Good Girl Gone Bad was an album chock full of production-savvy uptempos and attitude-laced bangers that might prove hard to top – but what’s evident is that Rihanna’s not afraid to do something different from the other big females in the game, and she’s not afraid to take it to a darker place, as evidenced by the “Wait Your Turn” video.  I eagerly await the album, and when it leaks, you know that you’ll be able to catch my review of it right here soon after!  Thanks for your support, keep it locked kids 🙂