I haven’t written in a week, and that’s because I don’t really know what to say. I don’t just want to write album reviews because that’s just one facet of this site. I just don’t know how to word how stupid, how complacent I have been, and yet how much I have overthought things and let my overthinking nearly ruin my relationships (both friendships and romantic). And yet, I’ve been so lucky, because I’ve realised in time, and I managed to put aside my pride, my severe need for independence, and let someone else in. I’m so lucky because I am with somebody who realises my problems without me necessarily saying anything, and he is willing to stand by me while I work on myself and work it out.
Nobody is perfect, and I’m pretty hard on myself. Everyone says that, and I suppose that it’s true. But I think it’s so illogical, so backwards that I can love other people and yet I can’t love myself? How does that work? I do love aspects of myself, but I also hate things about me. I guess that’s normal, but the things that I hate seem to throb, vibrate and I constantly am aware of them. I guess that as I get older, I’ll learn to accept these things and feel them less vividly, but I don’t understand how someone can love me with all of these faults that I have. So on the one hand, I cover up any weaknesses and portray myself as sociable, confident and outgoing, so that nobody will know that I have these weaknesses. Sometimes I can even trick myself into believing that I am this way. And yet on the other hand, I find it so hard to let anyone get truly close to me, lest they see who I really am and go running a mile. Pushing people away has been easier for me, and I finally realised that I have someone so precious that I don’t want to push away. So I am learning to let him in, because I do love him. I just feel so stupid that it got to the point where I could nearly have lost him to really wake me up and finally allow him to see me for who I am.
That’s why I feel so stupid and yet so lucky. Looking at my family, thinking of my past, I shock people when I tell little stories about the emotional abuse I endured growing up. Things that are nothing compared to the atrocious things some people suffer, but which niggle my brain and fold into my subconscious until they are a part of me. I shudder when I recognise parts of my mother’s personality becoming more blatant within me. Mike and Toby both laugh, but I know that they are surprised… adding up why I am the way I am, impressed that I seem to have made it out more or less ok, confused as to how it all happened to me. And when they tell me things about them, I guess that I go through the same process. Getting to know someone, not just the good but the bad too, is a cautious evaluation that involves trust on both sides. And I’ve finally learned enough to know that if I chose to be alone this time and forsake someone who seems to offer me everything I could need for the sake of independence and security, then I truly would be stupid. I’m glad to say that I’m not that stupid anymore. 🙂
Love is risk. Misery can be like a pillow, so comfortable and familiar. If Toby is brave enough to reach out his hand to me and offer me a way to happiness (and this whole year has taught me that I can be happy, that I deserve to be), then all I have to do is push my way up through my own fears and insecurities and take it. That was really scary, but I did it. I am with him now, and it feels really good to open myself up to that feeling. I think I can make it, and I think that life will be good. Looking at my family again, I don’t want to have a relationship where there’s constantly drama and sadness and questioning. I know that a certain element of that is inevitable, but when it takes over the joy of being with somebody… I don’t need that. I don’t want to end up like that. After all, like I said in a previous entry, not everyone gets the chance for love. I have that chance, and all I have to do is take it. So I’m taking it. Deep breath, here we go. I am truly, truly lucky.