Posts Tagged ‘Street Fighter IV’

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self-control.

September 7, 2009

The past couple of days, I have been in various situations which have prompted me to think about the values of restraint and self-control.  Most of the time they are positive: I have a spreadsheet on my computer to track my evening snacking, and in the last 6 months I have managed to reduce my evening snacking to only 29% of a month (this is more difficult and more impressive than it sounds, believe me).  Restraining from this has complemented my gym regime and I’ve lost weight and toned up as a result.  I’ve been restraining from spending too much and buying too many pretty things because it’s only now that I’ve got money coming in again, and despite enduring desperate cravings for certain items, I realised that these cravings pass and I don’t need the things I think I need as much as I do.  (I am still getting that Gucci bracelet in the next month or so, make no mistake.) After wrecking my Nintendo DS during a bout of throwing a Naomi I have been making a conscious effort not to get so annoyed at Street Fighter IV on my PS3, and just taking a breather when I get frustrated.  I have been cutting down on my cigarettes only to preserve my voice, and it seems to be helping (or at least not getting worse), and I don’t feel quite as guilty.

Today at work, I seemed to be having a good day, working for my two bosses Cass and Kerry.  I was mainly helping Kerry today with endless spreadsheets, and I’ll continue doing that tomorrow.  However, Cass popped his head around the door after lunch and asked me if I could help him move some boxes from one room back to another (where they originally were, and where I moved them from right at the beginning of my job about 6 weeks ago). I felt sorry for him when he found out they had to go back, and it turns out that when I agreed to “help” him, I would actually be doing it by myself.  Fine, I said, I would go and do it when I came to a break with Kerry’s stuff, which I did.  I was barely physically able to move one of the cages full of stock (there were 6, Cass had told me there were 5) – Cass envisioned the whole task would take an hour or so, and then I could reload the cages once I was finished.  After 2 cages, the second of which I had to get a policeman to help me with when it came to pushing it up the slope towards its destination, I was aching and drenched in sweat.  And quite pissed off!  I couldn’t do any more, Cass had gone for the day so I couldn’t explain that the cages were just too heavy for me to physically move (and I am no weakling), and there was no way it was possible for me to empty them all before the end of the day, let alone fill them up with more stock.  (I am also quite confident that Cass did not fill up the cages himself, otherwise he would not have asked me to transfer them all within one hour, because he would have realised that that was an unrealistic and fairly dangerous demand!) I felt that I might let him down in some way (though I hope he will understand, he is usually very reasonable) and I hope that he knows by now that I am the farthest thing from workshy.  It’s just not physically possible for me to do, especially not within tonight’s time constraints.  Tomorrow if I have half a day to do it, and the cages are split into (much) smaller loads, it might be possible.  We’ll see.

In addition to this considerable irritation, I was trying to call my mother at work to get a lift home on her way back, since I was staying at work later than usual; it took me over an hour to get through to her work on the phone, and even then when her colleague answered the phone, he asked me to call back again in 5 minutes (I said no, and told him that I would rather my mother called me back – I think I had been calling that shop enough for one day).  So I was quite annoyed about that, although in both cases I know that nobody was deliberately at fault, and that I should keep my rapidly rising anger in check.  Somehow, I managed to do this, and me and my mum exchanged stories about our frustrating days on the journey home.  I bought 2 dvds at Tesco (Bride Wars & Notorious) and plan to relax with some chocolate Mars drink and good pudding (tonight will be a night where I probably will snack – I plead extenuating circumstances!) watching one of them.

The final straw tonight was when I got home from work with my mother, only to have problems deleting a message from our answerphone (which hates me); apparently, it senses my finger on the delete button and refuses to work, though I have witnessed my mother deleting messages and she does nothing different from what I do.  My parents both made a comment and I exploded, prompting my father to mock my “grumpiness”.  I stormed off (I was definitely grumpy, but there was no need to point it out – what do you think you are going to achieve by highlighting my bad mood?  Certainly not make me feel better…) and sat in the small computer room on the floor, and my mum came in and said that just after I’d left, he had done the same thing to her (her day had not been great either).  I didn’t have a massive explosion of anger, but there just comes a point where you can hold things in and hold things in and be aware of not pushing your anger or frustration or emotions onto other people, but just holding your tongue and taking deep breaths and dealing with frustration calmly and rationally… and it all spills out anyway.  Some people just don’t seem to realise that they pile burden on top of burden on top of you, and I’m not superhuman – eventually, after enough pressure, I snap, just like anyone else.  Is that a fault of mine?  Should I have more self-control?  Or is it an issue where I restrain too much and let things build up? When is it right to not say anything and deal with your issues by yourself for fear of upsetting or alienating someone else, and when is the time to speak up and say “I can’t take anymore”, before you explode?  How do you know when the right time to do that is?  In short, how do you predict when enough is enough?

As I said at the start of the post, although I recognise I have a temper (which developed due to Street Fighter and also due to various trying situations at the Perfume Shop), I am fairly good at controlling it, especially around other people.  But yesterday, discussing Jill’s death with my parents, I think I was the one who put my foot in my mouth.  I was asking about what kind of cancer she had died of – a reasonable question, I thought.  My mother didn’t know.  I found it odd that Jill’s husband, despite the fact he had spoken to my mother at least 3 times in the past couple of weeks and had asked her to pass on updates of Jill’s health to mutual friends of hers and my mother’s, had neglected to mention what type of cancer she was actually suffering from.  I understand people being private, especially in times of suffering and grief, but I thought that generally, people suffer from lung cancer or breast cancer or cancer of the womb or cancer of something.  If you say “She has cancer”, the automatic question is surely “cancer of what?” I found this weird that nobody seemed to know, and that Graham had not passed on this vital piece of information to my mother, especially if my mother was then supposed to inform other people herself.  And yet, my parents were both like “you don’t ask that kind of thing!” I understand not wanting to probe into someone’s grief, but I found it strange that the question had not been asked, and even stranger that my mother hadn’t been told in the first place!  Yet after our discussion, I felt like I was somehow unfeeling or tactless, and that I had said the wrong thing (my father’s sister also died of cancer – to this day, me and my mother know very little about it).  I guess that everyone deals with death in their own way, and I understand that grief is a private and individual process that not everyone wants to share or shout about.  But I don’t understand people not asking basic questions; I later spoke to my mum about it and she said that I hadn’t upset her at all, but that as you get older, you learn more and more as you get older not to disturb others’ fragile emotional states.  I understand this already, but I just don’t know the rules about what you talk about and what you don’t talk about in times like these.  If we don’t speak up and ask questions, even about fragile or poignant situations, how do we become better informed? Is it more respectful to be silent and remain in ignorance? Is restraint really the better option in this instance?  I don’t get why people don’t talk about these things.  If we did, then maybe it would clarify, if not ease the grieving process / understanding of exactly why Jill died.  So I don’t really know at all just how much restraint or self-control is a good thing after all.

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addictive.

September 1, 2009

(Check out my new single if you haven’t already: Touch Me)

I wrote a blog a while back detailing some of my vices and addictions.  Well, I’m going to add another to the list (well,two if you also want to add writing on this here thing – I am pretty much daily! 😀 ):  Street Fighter IV Championship Mode.  The past week or so, I have been putting in a fair amount of time (while obviously doing other things such as work, socialising and generally having a life – I promise you I am not too geeky!!) on my Playstation 3 playing Street Fighter IV.  Today, after gym, researching for my Careers Guidance course (starting in 3 weeks, aaaaahhhh!!! so excited!), visiting the library and having pizza with Hannah, I bought the game strategy guide.  I haven’t actually read much of it yet, but tonight I spent a couple of hours with Vega and Chun Li (my two favourite characters; Chun Li is my main) kicking some ass (and also getting my ass beat quite a bit! What goes around comes around, as they say…).

both in one picture - how economic!

both in one picture - how economic!

I always maintained that I could not sit at a game for hours on end, but tonight I had to tear myself away!  As an only child, I got pretty used to playing against the computer and nothing else.  Having friends round was a luxury where I could play against a human opponent, but it wasn’t really satisfying because they didn’t know the games that I would play, so there wasn’t much competition.  But now, on my PS3, I have online play. Which means that from the comfort of my own bedroom, I can fight against a plethora of opponents.  Some of them really piss me off because they only do one thing and spam certain attacks (it’s cheap and it’s unsatisfying whether you win or lose), others are really impressive and I don’t mind losing to them, and it’s thrilling when I win (all too occasionally!).  I realised that I am not a bad player, but there are thousands of people who are much better than me!  My response to that is that I have better things to do than practise playing Street Fighter IV 24/7! 😛

It is really addictive because once you find a character or two whom you click with (Chun Li is not ranked badly, but Vega is pretty much one of the least-favoured characters… I like the speedy ones who jump around a lot!), you really want to hone your skills and kick some online ass at the same time!  I feel a lot of respect for those players who are really good, and I don’t mind losing to a genuinely skilled player, because that’s how you improve and sometimes they teach you a little bit of tactics.  I guess that I have always gravitated towards fighting games since I was a kid (although I enjoy puzzler games, platformers and old-school arcade games, because they remind me of my childhood and the Amiga!) because it’s cathartic to beat someone up, even just a person on a screen; the moves are ridiculous and enthralling to watch (people spinning like helicopters, creating fireballs, jumping and teleporting… if only we could really do those things!); and there is something simple, immediate and yet satisfying about going head to head with another character (be it computer controlled or a human opponent) and just going at it.  Sometimes it becomes more of a mental matchup, trying to second-guess the other person and psyche them out.  So maybe it’s a little bit like a relationship!!! 😉

I’m sure I’m just in an “on” phase with the game at the moment; there are weeks which go by without me even touching it, and then suddenly I get hooked into it again.  I think that even though games like this addict me, and I know that there are people who literally wake up and breathe Playstation or Xbox or whatever until they sleep (btw, my father is still into that Evony game!  He’s getting very powerful apparently… I don’t understand it though!), I couldn’t be like that because I have too many commitments and responsibilities, plus my attention span is far too short to sit still all day! 😉 I like to think that there are elements of real life (e.g. my music, my money, my relationships with family and friends) which are much more ‘addictive’ and hold my attention even more than Chun Li et al.  If life is just a game, then a game is just a trifle… you know?  We’re all allowed to have some fun, but at the end of the day you have to go hard and play serious with life because that’s what really matters.