Posts Tagged ‘stereotype’

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the rules of attraction.

October 4, 2009

So one of my close friends at uni started asking about my love life, and I answered honestly but somewhat evasively (as the “gay” thing hasn’t come up yet, and it looks like it’s going to be up to me to break the ice) that I’m not really focusing on that, I’m just concentrating on doing a good job of the course (which is going so so well so far!) and getting myself stable and sorted.  I mean, after my events this year where I realised I wasn’t into L when he was so into me, and then I fell for D too quickly only for his ex to snap him back up, and then R thought… well I don’t know what he was thinking, but I am not going to be anybody’s bit on the side; after all of that and more, I definitely am not eager to just run into somebody’s arms.

Nevertheless, I think that a lot of us can relate to the feeling when you’re on your own late at night, and you just wish that you could rest in somebody’s embrace and have them hold you until the morning. At uni with all of the straight older guys on my course, it’s really quite maddening because I know that girls have had crushes on me and find me attractive, and I can appreciate that all the guys on my course are older but they are really solid and normal and genuine-seeming and nice – their partners are really lucky!  Gay guys, by and large, are the total opposite of this – trying too hard to be something they are not, or abiding by the laws of a stereotype or rebelling too hard against it.  I guess maybe it’s a maturity thing (I’m the youngest by a fair bit – the average age of the students on my course is 30 or thereabouts), and I’m certainly a work in progress too, but I just want a guy who feels comfortable in his skin and can give me his all and accept my all in return without either playing games or clinging too much to me.

I was on msn the other night and suddenly B comes online.  By this point, it’s been a month since we even spoke, and I just presumed that he had gotten bored of me or wanted his own space or had better things to do.  After all, I have better things to do than just wait around for him to be in the right mood, so I guess our drifting apart was natural; I had moved on.  So he tells me that he has been meaning to contact me for a while and had felt bad for leaving it so long (what, was his phone broke? He had been online at the same time as me on other occasions in the interim, and I had noticed his online profile on the dating site I’ve been frequenting a lot less recently), and that he is currently seeking a diagnosis for adult ADHD.  He asked me to google it, so I looked it up, and I don’t for a second think he is lying – he’s been fairly upfront from the jump about his emotional and psychological instabilities. His current difficulties with a new job at his local salon (he was previously a mobile hairdresser so it’s a promising progression for him) and what I know of his previous problems all tally up – it makes sense to me, and I try to be as supportive as I can without crowding him or suggesting that he can rely on me – after all, although at one point it looked as if things were gonna get popping and that I was developing strong feelings for him, it fizzled out because he kept disappearing on me.  I mean, with a condition such as depression or ADHD, it is understandable and I can accept his excuses and reasons… but the question remains, What am I supposed to do about it?  What does he want from me?  Does he want just a friend?  Does he want something more than that?  Does he think that I am just going to wait around patiently while he sorts himself out and decides?

I don’t know what to do about it, but I guess the best thing is to do nothing.  I have uni to concentrate on, I have driving lessons to buy, I have my part-time job and my weight to keep down (still don’t know where the gym is going to fit into my current schedule :S) and my friends and family and my music.  I don’t need to worry about whether B is ok, when he’s going to talk to me next, and what he’s going to tell me.  I sincerely wish him the best, and maybe in the future something could work if our circumstances mesh and he comes correct.  Until then, I’ll chill with my new friends at uni, and wish that I could meet someone who was real and mature and funny and cool like them, but who would also like me back without being the wrong gender!

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about high fashion.

October 1, 2009

Just a quick track-by-track run-through of all the songs on my High Fashion mixtape!  I hope you enjoy it and this fleshes out the stories behind the music for you all 🙂

High Fashion

The photos for this mixtape were actually the last thing to get done! I had a lot of ideas for it, but basically it involved playing dressup and taking lots of fun fun pictures of me pouting in designer accessories and too much lip balm and radiating attitude! Trust me, some of the pictures were horrendous, but I was pleased that I got some decent ones that I chose to use.  In contrast to the Quiet Storm artwork, which incorporates a lot of dark blues, purples and blacks with white type and layered translucent textures (evocative of the intimate, nocturnal atmosphere embodied by the album), the artwork for the mixtape is very bright, very immediate (no gloss or photoshopping!) and very tongue in cheek – I do not dress that ostentatiously in real life!!!  But it was a lot of fun 🙂

Official Boy

This song was recorded a year ago – obviously, it’s a cover of Cassie’s song “Official Girl”… I seem to be the only one who loved that song!  I was obsessed with that song at the time because I could relate – I was semi-dating somebody but didn’t know where I stood. (It turned out to be nowhere.)  So I got the instrumental and decided to rerecord my version – in the process, I learned a lot about creating vocal layers and harmonies and counter-melodies, and I appreciated how densely the original song is constructed.  I also wrote my own rap, which was really fun.  I really liked Cassie’s latest material, as I did a cover of this song and “Touch Me” samples another Cassie song, “Nobody But You”.

Touch Me (see post!)

Hook Boy (Remix)

This song uses the instrumental of Day26’s “Imma Put It On Her”, continuing the love for Bad Boy artists.  I have always been impressed by Diddy’s production skills and most of the Bad Boy tracks that have come out over the last 12 years have had really solid music and production.  It’s a remix of the song “Hook Boy” on Quiet Storm, and so I changed up the melody and some of the lyrics somewhat, but the basic skeleton of the song remains the same, though this remix has a more celebratory, uptempo feel to it, relishing being in the club and being with the one you love.

Get Me Home (Interlude)

I liked the harmonies on this one, but I have an interlude called “Focused” on the album where I did a superior job of a similar type of harmony, so I removed this track from the album and kept it for the mixtape.

Jump Off (Part I) (Snippet)

The original version of a song which is on the album (appropriately called “Jump Off (Part II)”), this is a very straight-up R&B ballad, no frills.  The lyrics have been kept more or less identical between the two songs, but Part II has a much more R&B, nocturnal feel which I fell in love with and which suited the feel of the album as a whole much more.  I might finish this version eventually, because I think it has potential, but I kinda left it by the wayside in favour of Part II, which is one of my favourite tracks on Quiet Storm, and very lyrically honest.

Don’t Look Now (Game Over)

This song was written after I was seeing somebody who just suddenly disappeared with the excuse that “I need space”… BULLSHIT mayne!!!   I decided to channel my irritation positively, and this record was a cutting, dance-type response to that whole situation.  I like the lyrics in it, which pay a nod to “Bad Girl” and “Pretty Boy” by the now sadly defunct Danity Kane, as well as Beyoncé’s “Irreplaceable”.  My favourite lyric is “dangerous and brokenhearted”, and I briefly considered that as an album title.  I love the ring of it, but ultimately there is something about the song that meant it couldn’t hang with the rest of the tracks that made the album, so ultimately it got relegated to the mixtape!

Pronunciation (Interlude)

This was just a big big laugh… it sets the scene for the next song, “Armani Earrings”, which is a track on Quiet Storm that I just had so much fun writing, as it really epitomises swagger!  The idea came from the “learn Italian” tapes they play in the bathrooms at Frankie & Benny’s restaurants, and working in The Perfume Shop and getting irritated at how many designers names got mangled by customers on a regular basis.  So this interlude is a play on all of those things, as well as a lead-in to the next track.

Armani Earrings

… you’re gonna have to wait for the story behind this one!!!  Just enjoy it for now 🙂

Can’t Play A Playa

Originally I was so excited about this track, with the military gunshot-style intro and the catchy hook… but somewhere along the line, although I tried out a lot of different ideas such as having a rap in the middle of the song instead of at the bridge, and multiple hooks and stuff, I felt it lost the sparkle and drive I was aiming for the song to have, so I didn’t feel it was strong enough to make the album.  I like the song, but I just couldn’t execute it the way I wanted to so I kept it back for the mixtape.

Wild Heart

During my time at Oxford uni, I became friends online with a guy who got into trying to write and produce his own songs.  He sent me this track that he’d written and produced (the production is a slightly different style to anything I’ve done, though the song itself I like), and asked me to resing it.  I went a bit crazy with it, attacking it with different melodies and ad-libs, and when I sent it back he was like “WOW you have CHANGED it!!!” I really liked the way it turned out, but I think he was somewhat taken aback… I never really considered this song for the album, especially as my only input into it was changing some of the melodies, harmonies and structuring, but I like it nonetheless so I thought that there was no harm in putting it on High Fashion.

Role Model

The first element of this song that I had was the bassline, and then I just started adding lyrics to it.  I remember half of it was written in my head on a car journey with my parents, and the minute we got back in the door I rushed upstairs and spent an hour creating the song.  I like the sung chorus element, because it really expressed how I don’t feel that I fit easily into many categories that people try to pigeon-hole me into.  In terms of the music I listen to, my educational background and my sexuality (among other things), I don’t really feel that what is widely portrayed in the cinema really represents me, and I wanted to put across the fact that just because there is a stereotype for these things doesn’t mean that everybody necessarily fits them.  Although it’s not my finest hour rapping (and I like to think that the rhymes on “Armani Earrings” demonstrate how much I’ve improved), the lyrical subject matter is very true and I am positive I am not the only young person who feels misrepresented.  You have to be who you are, for the sake of who you are.

Broke WIthout Remedy

I was listening to Erykah Badu’s most recent album New Amerykah and wanted to do a song which was a bit more unstructured and organic sounding, so I hit up Garageband and started playing with samples. This is the result! I was near the end of my university degree at Oxford, and I was kinda frustrated because I didn’t know where I was going next and I was in a lot of debt and I was just like “what happened? I thought this degree would solve all my problems and it’s just left me with more!”  With my new uni course and being so happy and that being beyond me, the perspective I now have of Oxford is perhaps more balanced and I can appreciate the quality of degree and the good friends that I got from there, but at the time of writing / singing the song, I was feeling quite down.  Towards the end, my voice cracks and I kept it in as evidence of too much cigarettes + emotional despair = raw vocals!

I Want To Know What Love Is (see post!)

High Fashion (Acapella) (Outro)

Another little acapella taster of the “High Fashion” track on my album.  The Intro uses some of the backing music, and the outro uses the first verse and chorus of the song.  Although I’m not 100% happy about ending the album with 2 acapellas in a row, I definitely thought that these last two songs both deserved to be on the mixtape and both fit at the end.

So there you are!  Once again, you can download the mixtape HERE and I really hope you enjoy it! 🙂