Posts Tagged ‘snobbery’

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statement of purpose.

March 7, 2010

I was sitting in Caffé Nero in House Of Fraser in Cabot Circus with Toby today, reading the newspaper (quite uncharacteristic of me – what’s more, I was reading the news and doing the crossword!  Not even the gossip pages!) and I came across an article about being an author and how it’s not the easiest way of making a living. I said to Toby that I’d like to write a book one day, though I don’t really know what about; I don’t even know if it would be a novel, or more a reflection on life and love. And I thought back to when I started writing this blog 9 months ago – how far I’ve come from my first entry! How quickly time has passed, and how much I’ve grown and how much my life has changed.  I’m glad to say I am in a much happier space now, and better is yet to come!

Reading that first entry, I knew almost at the time that the misfired sense of whimsy I was aiming for (in the style of Bai Ling, who tbh is quite insurpassable) wouldn’t last, but I didn’t know how seriously I would end up taking this blog, nor how important this blog would end up being for me, for my sanity and my self-expression; as well as for my music.  Not only have I got a lot better at writing, but being able to be utterly honest in a public yet private and near-anonymous forum has been freeing. I’ve made new friends through writing, and some of the comments I receive let me know that my writing has touched others, that I’ve not been alone in going through some of the emotional, romantic and self-esteem struggles that I’ve experienced.  That alone makes writing this blog worth it, and I thank you for reading it. I hope that I can make a difference to someone’s life, even in a small way.  That makes it worth it.

So returning to the question of what kind of book I would write, I prefer to think of myself in the style of a columnist, I guess something Carrie Bradshaw-esque.  I am sure it could be done (and perhaps in time my mind will grasp a format that works), but right now I couldn’t imagine my writing fitting into book form (other than a diary). But like in Sex and the City, I would almost prefer to write for a newspaper (not quite like the one I was reading, but certainly something a few steps above your average tabloid or glossy magazine – how’s that for snobbery? 😛 ) because this blog is a way for me to keep track of my own journey through life, my own development.  I grow and change through time, just as we all do – we all experience new things over the course of our lives, and this blog is a way of chronicling that.  So in short, I don’t honestly think that I would change anything about the way that I write now – I just hope to get better at it.  Perhaps in time I’ll focus on one consistent topic or theme, but right now the mixture of ruminations on music, love, sexuality, self-esteem, fashion, fragrance, dream analysis, family, friendships and relationships is perfect for me as it perfectly encapsulates who I am.  Perhaps in the future I’ll go back to writing poetry, to sharing some of my new song lyrics once the Quiet Storm album campaign is closed and I’m recording new material – I haven’t done that in a while.  Who knows what the future holds? But life is for living, and we’re all living it right now… so on with the show! 🙂

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pride.

July 9, 2009

Pride is a funny thing.  On the one hand, we are taught it is a bad thing to act too proud, and we should aim to be humble human beings who are never too busy or too above our station to help out our fellow man or take a little time to do whatever.  But at the same time, we should also be proud of our achievements and who we are, and never lower ourselves or do anything that is genuinely beneath us.  They are both sentiments I agree with wholeheartedly, but they also seem to contradict one another and I don’t know exactly whether pride is a bad thing or a good thing. I like to think it is a good thing, because an overdose of pride to me is arrogance; just enough pride is when you are aware of your worth and what you should and shouldn’t do.

Another thing that people say is that “pride comes before a fall”.  I haven’t experienced exactly that, but today I went to visit my grandmother after a depressing morning at home which culminated in my receiving a phone call that was for my father (I am the house receptionist, after all) and my father asking where the phone was.  I stormed out of the house after quickly making myself fit for public consumption, and went to see my nan to talk to her about the current state of play regarding my uni funding (it looks like I may not get any after all, though if I do get it it will be like hitting the jackpot! But I’m sure I’ll expand upon that situation in due course, and there is nothing I can do for the moment other than wait and see) and to de-stress.  While I was there, she gave my some great advice about the job situation, but advice I didn’t really like at first: why don’t I get Jobseekers’ Allowance (aka. unemployment benefit) until the hospital pulls its finger out and gives me some hours like they promised?

The reason why I didn’t really like the idea at first was because I didn’t want to be lumped in with people who don’t ever bother getting a job but just live off handouts from the dole.  I didn’t want to feel I was lazy, and I don’t like accepting charity.  But then, as my nan gently explained to me through a couple of anecdotes from her own life, I was being too proud and I should accept something that I am currently entitled to, especially as everybody else in my position does so and more.  And I realised she was right.  I researched JSA when I got home and went online, and it’s £50 a week.  That is a considerable amount of money that would really help me!  So I have applied and am waiting for the Jobcentre staff to call me (within the next 2 days, apparently).  Fingers crossed!  Perhaps it will be a karmic trigger and something will cause the BRI (hospital) to call me Monday and say they have finally got some hours and want me to come and start working at the job I have been waiting on for a month now.

I generally wouldn’t characterise myself as a proud person – I don’t feel I am at all snobbish, and I am open to talking to and interacting with anyone regardless of their appearance or their walk of life.  I think I am friendly and I am willing to help anyone who genuinely needs my help.  But in this instance, I realised I was being proud (the bad definition) because I was essentially thinking that I was too good to be claiming this benefit.  And that brings to mind another saying: cutting my nose off to spite my face.  There is nothing wrong with being proud of yourself and your achievements, and rightly so – but I was today reminded never to be too proud to accept help when you need it and when it is available to you.