Posts Tagged ‘PS3’

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important.

April 11, 2011

First of all, a gift / apology for not having written in such a long time! This is a new (well, new to you guys!) song called “Important”, which I did nearly a year and a half ago now – just after I finished and released Quiet Storm, so it was too late to put it onto that album. I was inspired (as is probably evident) by Beyoncé’s “Broken-Hearted Girl” musically, while the lyrics were part of my attempt to delve a little bit deeper with my lyrics. One of my aims for my new album is to talk more eloquently and honestly about love and relationships, because over the past 18 months I have experienced love, experienced relationships and friendships in such a new way. In that respect, this song precedes the timeline for my inspiration, but still fits the brief 😉 It’s just a demo version and still needs a little polishing up (and of course there is no guarantee it’ll make the final tracklist) but I like it and I hope you do too 🙂

One of the things that the song talks about is knowing your priorities and having them straight, in a relationship and in friendships. I have lately had to reprioritise my own life – financially, my car has pretty much taken over and if I am going to London to see Toby, running my car, paying rent and affording all my unavoidable expenses, I have had to accept cutting back on luxuries. I go out for coffee / dinner / cinema less, which is a shame because that means I see less of my friends. I spend less money on clothes and entertainment, and although my lust for them is undiminished, I can’t entertain getting a pretty designer thingummy any time in the near future because I just need to spend the money on other things. Once I move to London, even though my salary will increase, the need to budget intelligently is only going to intensify. I was saying to Toby yesterday that perhaps although I was rationalising at the time (with a grin on my face as I never thought I’d have to go through with it), I am glad I got my fancy jewellery and phone and sunglasses and all my designer things over the last couple of years, because they are things I treasure and now I have to make them last – now that I have them, I don’t need to get any more! My iPod (which I have had for 2 and a half years – the longest surviving iPod yet!) recently started playing up, which greatly irritated me – especially as I got a brand new car stereo so I can plug my iPod into it and play whatever music takes me mood – and I have had to spend quite a few hours over the past few days fixing it, because I can’t survive without music and I simply can’t afford another one right now.

Beyond material things, I need to treasure my friendships and my relationship. The inconveniences I have listed above are just that – inconvenient but not life-threatening! A couple of years ago, I could literally not survive without my iPod. But now, I think I could do it. I wouldn’t like it, but I could do it – other material things such as my phone, my laptop, my car have taken precedence. But my priorities have changed also. What’s important to me is keeping my relationship with Toby happy (which it seems to be up to now, and I realise that this is something to truly cherish), being a good friend and keeping a good circle of friends around me (which I feel I now have), and moving to London and building a career and a life for myself. All of a sudden, having a nice place to live in the city, having a good job and financial stability are important considerations. When did I become a grown-up?

I watched For Colored Girls today, which I had been desperate to do – and now I am desperate to read Ntozake Shange’s original choreopoem, which I shall probably purchase tonight or tomorrow. It reminded me that all of us have our own issues, our own baggage and our own insecurities which we need to conquer, but too often we struggle alone with these burdens rather than shouldering them with our friends and family to both help us cope and draw us closer together. I saw my friend Sarah yesterday whom I hadn’t seen since November, and while it was really good to see her, I found that I didn’t really know what to say to her to connect and recapture the friendship we had at university. Hopefully this is just a blip and next time we get together we can have a more effective catch-up; after 45 minutes, she had to go, but before she left she told me “not to leave it so long next time!” My life has become busy to the extent that try as I might, I can’t see all of my friends as much as I would like. And this is a shame, because when I’m at home in Bristol I can easily get lonely and no matter how much music, how many possessions I have, how many films I watch or PS3 games I play, I still feel bored and cabin-feverish. So I cherish my friendships, I cherish my relationship and how lovely it is, I cherish the things that I have, I cherish my emotions and both my ups and downs. And the real priority is making sure that I remain grateful and don’t become complacent about everything that I have. I may not be satisfied, because I have so much more in my life that I want to accomplish – but I am somewhat happy with my life and that is a really Good Thing.

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gift.

October 10, 2009

So my birthday is coming up, and literally just now my mother asked me whether I still wanted a flat screen TV.  Originally, I was after one so that I could better see the graphics (and actually be able to read the on-screen instructions!!!) when I’m playing my Playstation 3.  But I was going to move my current TV into my ‘office’ area (where I have my printer and filing set up for uni) and according to plans my mother has to put a wardrobe in there, I don’t think it’s gonna fit.  And I don’t really play PS3 enough for it to be worth just buying a new TV.  So I’m gonna nix the gift, and now I have to think of something else!

And it’s hard but I almost got a little bit tearful for a moment there because if I could choose another gift at this moment, I just wish that my parents would stop fighting.  This last couple of weeks, it’s been really really bad, alternating between silent treatments and raging rows.  I’ve just tried to get out of their company as soon as I can after dinner, and work by myself in my bedroom / the spare bedroom / the hallway, because it’s just traumatic.  I remember when I was 8 years old, and I used to listen to them fighting upstairs and just cry and wish for it all to stop – well, I react differently now (I go and have a shower to drown out their voices; I contemplate going downstairs and telling them to grow up) but I still feel like I’m 8 years old again and a little child listening to the world falling apart.  I don’t know what to do.

Maybe this is why my little crush at uni isn’t really a crush.  I just want somebody to protect me and hold me tight and for everything to be ok.  I try and maintain the façade of having everything together as much as possible, because I don’t want anyone to know that I am actually feeling quite vulnerable, but I think I’ve let a couple of things slip that maybe betray the fact I’m quite upset about it.  When I daydream (or night-dream), it’s not really a sexual thing but more a protective thing, that somebody will hold me and not leave.  I have made my friend Mike promise that as soon as he has a decent flat available and my bursary comes through, I am going to move out because I’ve just had enough, and also I really need my own space where I can just be at ease and have my own privacy and invite people round and come and go as I please.  I don’t get on badly with my parents (after all, they’re not shouting at / being silent with me) but maybe it’s just being 23, nearly 24 and still living at home is a little constraining.

So I now have to deal with the conundrum of what to ask for as a birthday gift from my mum. (I haven’t asked if this is going to be on behalf of both of my parents, as my dad usually remembers my birthday – he didn’t buy me a birthday present once and a Christmas present another time, but that happened in the past so I don’t know if he would still forget these days.) Although I want a Gucci necklace, I don’t think I am going to mention it.  I may have a window shop today and see if I find anything that tickles my fancy, but other than someone scooping me up and telling me everything is gonna be alright, or a place to call my own (both things I can’t exactly ask for!), I really don’t know what I want.

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addictive.

September 1, 2009

(Check out my new single if you haven’t already: Touch Me)

I wrote a blog a while back detailing some of my vices and addictions.  Well, I’m going to add another to the list (well,two if you also want to add writing on this here thing – I am pretty much daily! 😀 ):  Street Fighter IV Championship Mode.  The past week or so, I have been putting in a fair amount of time (while obviously doing other things such as work, socialising and generally having a life – I promise you I am not too geeky!!) on my Playstation 3 playing Street Fighter IV.  Today, after gym, researching for my Careers Guidance course (starting in 3 weeks, aaaaahhhh!!! so excited!), visiting the library and having pizza with Hannah, I bought the game strategy guide.  I haven’t actually read much of it yet, but tonight I spent a couple of hours with Vega and Chun Li (my two favourite characters; Chun Li is my main) kicking some ass (and also getting my ass beat quite a bit! What goes around comes around, as they say…).

both in one picture - how economic!

both in one picture - how economic!

I always maintained that I could not sit at a game for hours on end, but tonight I had to tear myself away!  As an only child, I got pretty used to playing against the computer and nothing else.  Having friends round was a luxury where I could play against a human opponent, but it wasn’t really satisfying because they didn’t know the games that I would play, so there wasn’t much competition.  But now, on my PS3, I have online play. Which means that from the comfort of my own bedroom, I can fight against a plethora of opponents.  Some of them really piss me off because they only do one thing and spam certain attacks (it’s cheap and it’s unsatisfying whether you win or lose), others are really impressive and I don’t mind losing to them, and it’s thrilling when I win (all too occasionally!).  I realised that I am not a bad player, but there are thousands of people who are much better than me!  My response to that is that I have better things to do than practise playing Street Fighter IV 24/7! 😛

It is really addictive because once you find a character or two whom you click with (Chun Li is not ranked badly, but Vega is pretty much one of the least-favoured characters… I like the speedy ones who jump around a lot!), you really want to hone your skills and kick some online ass at the same time!  I feel a lot of respect for those players who are really good, and I don’t mind losing to a genuinely skilled player, because that’s how you improve and sometimes they teach you a little bit of tactics.  I guess that I have always gravitated towards fighting games since I was a kid (although I enjoy puzzler games, platformers and old-school arcade games, because they remind me of my childhood and the Amiga!) because it’s cathartic to beat someone up, even just a person on a screen; the moves are ridiculous and enthralling to watch (people spinning like helicopters, creating fireballs, jumping and teleporting… if only we could really do those things!); and there is something simple, immediate and yet satisfying about going head to head with another character (be it computer controlled or a human opponent) and just going at it.  Sometimes it becomes more of a mental matchup, trying to second-guess the other person and psyche them out.  So maybe it’s a little bit like a relationship!!! 😉

I’m sure I’m just in an “on” phase with the game at the moment; there are weeks which go by without me even touching it, and then suddenly I get hooked into it again.  I think that even though games like this addict me, and I know that there are people who literally wake up and breathe Playstation or Xbox or whatever until they sleep (btw, my father is still into that Evony game!  He’s getting very powerful apparently… I don’t understand it though!), I couldn’t be like that because I have too many commitments and responsibilities, plus my attention span is far too short to sit still all day! 😉 I like to think that there are elements of real life (e.g. my music, my money, my relationships with family and friends) which are much more ‘addictive’ and hold my attention even more than Chun Li et al.  If life is just a game, then a game is just a trifle… you know?  We’re all allowed to have some fun, but at the end of the day you have to go hard and play serious with life because that’s what really matters.