Posts Tagged ‘political correctness’

h1

bruised.

August 18, 2009

I’m not really sure what to write tonight because I’m feeling really vulnerable and upset.  I had a tense afternoon with my mum and my nan, and although me and my mum had a good conversation afterwards (and it turned out she understood why I got so upset and my nerves were so fraught), I still don’t feel 100% better.  I went to sit in the park so that I wouldn’t bombard her with rage when she returned from dropping my nan back home, and it was good to take that time to think.  Space is good, alone time is good.  I don’t like being alone all the time, but I appreciate a balance between being around people and having my own freedom to think and be.  I don’t really want to go into what happened, because it’s a long story of nothing remarkable, but once again I felt under fire and criticised for every little thing and I am really tired of it.

I guess I take things too personally, however much I try to be patient and take deep breaths and not let things get to me and show on the surface that I am affected.  I know that a blog entry I wrote recently surprised a friend of mine because she didn’t realise how much I had taken a couple of things to heart.  I guess that my feelings bruise more easily than people expect, but then at the same time, I can’t apologise for feeling attacked and for feeling vulnerable.  I mean, perhaps I should speak up more, but then in a situation like today, I say something and it comes out rude or snappy and gets misinterpreted, and the whole situation just escalates and then needs a lot more effort to be diffused.  I don’t know what is better, to retaliate and stick up for yourself, or to keep a dignified silence and risk being treated like a doormat.  Either option has its strengths and its pitfalls.  I don’t know the answer.  I don’t mean to upset people, but I examine my feelings and I can’t find any fault or lies in my hurt – I really felt that way, and I don’t feel that I deserved it.  When my nan suddenly gets all defensive because she realises she’s struck a nerve after an afternoon of constant criticism, it’s too late – I can’t go back to being okay with a swift apology that rings hollow because it’s only being said just to smooth over an inconvenient display of pain.  I guess I wish people would consider whether something would hurt someone else’s feelings before they said or did it, even if it’s the smallest thing.  And then I guess that is impossible, because otherwise the whole human race would be walking on eggshells.  That’s why we have overkill of political correctness – it’s impossible to please everyone, and trying not to offend anyone dilutes everything until it’s blander than bland.  So I don’t know what the solution is.  I always try to consider other people’s feelings and try to keep my sensitivity down before getting my back up, but after a while I can’t help but react emotionally to repeated assaults on my personality or the way I do something or the choices I make.  So all I can think of is to make a pact: that I will try and keep myself in check if everyone else agrees to do the same. Otherwise, I’m tired of keeping quiet, and one day I am going to retaliate in a way that everyone will remember.

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