Posts Tagged ‘Jason’

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why should i be sad?

July 28, 2009

I decided to name this post after my favourite track from Britney Spears’ album Blackout because it kinda sums up how I’ve been feeling.  I think at times we all get the temptation to feel sorry for ourselves, but in a way this self-pity is something we can rationalise and yet something we know we shouldn’t do (or don’t need to feel).  There’s a tension between appreciating the good things in your life, and then seeing how you could still improve your life and all the faults that exist within it.  I will explain with illustrations from my very own personal life. 😉

With the last person I officially dated, L, I knew all along that I wasn’t really into the relationship.  And it was all too clear just how into me he was.  On the surface, he was kind, attentive, considerate and charming, if a little bit childlike (despite being 3 years my senior).  But I knew, deep down, that I didn’t feel for him how he obviously felt for me, and my failing was not putting a stop to it and nipping it in the bud.  Instead, I kept going hoping that my feelings would grow to match his, and perhaps accepting my caution at first as a defence mechanism after previous bad experiences.  But finally, it became clear to me that I had to break up with him, though I ended up doing it by accident… I sent him a text message I meant to send to my friend, saying that I couldn’t take the situation anymore and that I had to break up with L, as it was making me ill.  So L received this and went insane, and we had a breakup-via-text that I never meant to initiate.  I apologised and explained that it was all a mistake, and sending a text message to the wrong person happens all the time.  It’s an easy mistake to make, and all my friends have done it just as I now have.  And yet, be it out of hurt or out of anger, my apology was rejected because L and “his friends” (whom I never met and who never met me) decided that I had decided to send the text on purpose.  I had nothing more to say, because I had attempted to apologise, and I wasn’t going to pursue L when I’d wanted us to be apart anyway.  I will always regret the way that it happened, but I suppose I got what I wanted.  And yet, despite it being an accident, for weeks afterwards I felt like a bad person, like the guilty one because I had caused pain to someone else.  Perhaps because I knew I should have broken things off before that point.  I was angry because my friends, whom L had met, had been nothing but nice to him, whereas I’d never met his friends and yet they were perfectly ready to pass judgment on me and analyse non-existent reasons for my text message, rather than take my apology at face value.  So I was irritated, and I was relieved, but mostly I felt guilty for hurting someone.  And yet, it was an escape from a face-to-face scenario (which I was planning that week, but considering L’s reaction over text messages, perhaps breaking up in person would have meant that he’d caused a scene in the café – lucky escape?) and I never had to see him or hear from him again.  Is that really what I wanted?  I guess so.  So why should I be sad?

For anyone who read my detective blog yesterday, J did come back on msn.  Although he didn’t really change his monosyllabic style of talking, he did seem a little bit more open.  He maintained that his msn was crashing (I don’t believe this for a second) but that he wasn’t annoyed or embarrassed or anything, so fine.  And this is the funny thing: even though he was the one perpetrating a sort of deception, I once again felt guilty (I obviously inherited the Catholic guilt from my mother’s family, despite not being Catholic myself) because I’d unceremoniously uncovered his secret – however shabbily-kept – and confronted him with it.  I felt like I’d embarrassed him, because there is nothing wrong with being direct and asking for sex online if you so wish; there are plenty who are only too happy to oblige.  So I tried to keep things light and smooth things over.  Why did I feel the need to do this? I wasn’t the one who had tried to hide my identity, who had effectively advertised for people to come into my house and rape me, who had pretended that I didn’t want people to see my body.  All I’d done was uncover that J had done these things, and yet in a way I felt like I had robbed him of a tiny piece of dignity.  Perhaps that was a part of his façade, and I guess I felt like I’d ripped it away.  But why so guilty?  If it had been me, the person wouldn’t have given it a second thought… So why should I feel sad?

I decided to return B’s text, and he replied after a while wishing me luck, and saying he had work all week also.  I thought I might as well bite the bullet, since I’ve all but lost interest, and asked him whether he had received my invite to the cinema and how come he was never on msn anymore (we used to have really long, intimate conversations on there at first).  Again, no reply as of yet, and I don’t even expect one.  I don’t think that B is a malicious person, and I like him, but I’m not under any delusions – he’s a little bit crazy.  He doesn’t think anything of only replying to people when he chooses, and one minute he can’t leave me alone, the next he disappears off the face of the earth.  It makes no sense; and yet I anticipated that something like this would happen.  I’m not surprised, because my paranoia once again was proved right.  I’m not going to waste my time pursuing somebody who can’t communicate, and I’m not going to expect a high level of friendship from someone until they show they can be more consistent and reliable.  And yet, I feel guilty once again: what did I do to drive him away? Am I ugly to him? Am I boring? Does he just not want to go on a date?  My heart hurts and the guilt fades all too slowly, despite the fact that I know in my head that I should aim higher and not get strung out on people who already irritate me with their fluctuating attention spans.  So why should I be sad?

I know that in this blog I’ve focused a fair amount of the fact that I’m not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, having graduated from Oxford University with a good degree.  As a child and a teenager, I always seemed to do the right things, and despite never being the richest or the most popular at school, I was someone who seemed to have everything going for me.  And I can’t complain; I’ve lived in Spain, I’ve studied at a prestigious university, I’ve paid off my overdraft and credit cards, I’ve been a retail manager, I have a close family and close friends, I write, sing and produce my own music, I’m starting a new university course in September which will hopefully give me the extra kick I need to get a job at Connexions that I will enjoy.  It’s hard to believe in myself when life takes me on a different course to what I intended, but despite this year being a bit less exciting than what I’d intended, I suppose I shouldn’t waste my time feeling down.  Half of me feels like I’m stuck in a rut, but I know it won’t last for long.  I try to keep in mind all of the achievements I’ve made and the positive things, and compared to others, I guess I’m pretty lucky (though I won’t complain to be luckier!).  So why should I be sad?

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detective.

July 27, 2009

So some scandalous guy-type things happened today!  Firstly, after seemingly vanishing off the face of the earth (no use of internet, no texting, his phone going straight to voicemail) for 4 DAYS, B texted me out of the blue today… no mention of my offer to see Harry Potter from Thursday. He’d been out on Saturday night and had only just recovered.  Fair enough… but his ability to appear one minute and be perfectly lucid and then disappear and be uncontactable for days on end is a bit insane.  I can’t go for that.  I did reply to his text today, as nonchalantly as possible (I finally have some work! Am starting at the hospital tomorrow afternoon 🙂 🙂 🙂 )… again, no response as of yet.  I’m over it!

Something which shocked me a bit more, and which is the main focus of my blog today, is the revelation behind my online friend J (I have an ingenious scheme of protecting names).  We met on the dating site where I meet a lot of guys (including B, and a couple of people who have become genuine friends) and we exchanged texts in a relaxed manner.  We have met up in person once, it was fine and perfectly unassuming.  Since then, we’ve spoken often on msn (me doing most of the talking, he’s one of those “yeah / lol / cool” people whom you have to steer within the conversation) fairly often, and he is a holistic massage therapist.  So I had arranged to go to his place tomorrow evening, bottle of wine in hand, and get said massage… whatever happened afterwards, let it happen.  I had my eyes open, maybe nothing would have happened, maybe something… I wasn’t really bothered either way, but I was aware of the possibility.

Now, because I have my job starting tomorrow, I was going to cancel this arrangement because after my first afternoon at work the last thing I wanted to be doing was hanging around town waiting for this massage + possible extras.  So I go on msn, and sure enough J is there, but with a different picture to his usual one… and a picture I recognised from the site.  It was the picture of a man’s butt, assigned to a profile called “sexaddict” (not the profile I met J under!!!).  Within 5 seconds, J’s msn picture had changed to his usual face pic, and I had to ask… was the picture his? He said yes.  So I was like “ok, are you the sexaddict person from the site?” He logged off. AKA admission of guilt.  Now, me and J have flirted a tiny bit on the net, and he even told me “my body’s not sexy m8”.  So one moment, he is not sexy, and quite the shy and silent type.  The next minute, he is a “sexaddict” with his naked body online for all to see (though no cock, which is still fairly restrained compared to some of the guys on the site!) and declaring “NAKED BLINDFOLDED HANDCUFFED LUBED UP DOORS OPEN CUM GET ME”.  His lack of punctuation is the least of my worries.

I am not bothered that he was looking for sex online… that’s why 95% of the guys are on there!  I wouldn’t be averse to having sex with someone I met on there, it’s happened once or twice, though my rule of “not on the first date/meet” has always held, apart from one time.  And I don’t mind talking to J in the future, because he’s not a nasty person and has done nothing to me.  What I find weird is that he had two distinct personas – that of the professional, shy, quiet masseur who is polite and close to his family, and that of the desperate, horny, sex-starved slutty guy.  I mean, we hear stories about people on the internet not being who they claim to be, and that’s one of the risks we take with online chatting and dating.  And we hear plenty of stories about the most respectable of people having hidden dark sides.  Everyone gets their rocks off somehow, and there’s nothing wrong with J liking sex and looking for it online; I’m sure there are some who are happy to oblige.

But what creeps me out is that he tried deliberately to hide the sex-addict person from me, and I was going to go to his house for a massage!  I don’t know, he may well have been utterly professional… after all, I was being equally as flirtatious with him online beforehand (and I was quite restrained, I’ve been a bit more forward in other cases! 😉 ).  And he’s not usually the aggressor in sex, according to his sexaddict persona… But nevertheless, when someone deliberately hides such an important part of themselves, it feels like a deception, and I am glad that my little bit of detective work managed to uncover a scandal.  I’m sorry that I might have embarrassed him, but I really don’t mind talking to him again, I just wish he would have been a bit more honest about how sexy he really thinks he is (instead of claiming to be virginal and stoic, which is clearly a lie), and why he was on the site. Ah well, I’m sure that I will still get a massage from somebody one day!  Case closed.