h1

the games people play.

June 30, 2009

One of the things I find most difficult about writing blog entries is that although I have a vague idea of what I want to say, I don’t really structure things, I just tend to let things pour out and usually they arrange themselves.  It’s not exactly like I am writing an essay for university so please don’t grade me, just read and I hope you’ll understand what I’m saying and where I’m coming from, even just a little bit.

Lately I have been meeting up with certain people whom I’ve met online.  Now the first issue is, is this termed a “date”?  I mean, I guess I met them on a dating site, but at the same time the people with whom I’m still in contact from that site are my friends. I don’t have any romantic interest in them, but we get on and meet up for drinks or coffee and have good conversation.  So I don’t always go into these things with the idea of making it into a relationship or a long-running thing.  But at the same time, I wouldn’t be averse to dating someone I met off there, were there to be a spark or something like that.  It’s true that my last ‘relationship’ (which lasted 5 weeks!!!) ended badly, and part of that was my fault because I didn’t stop things before they got a little bit out of hand, and the other person’s feelings did get hurt, unintentionally by me, but hurt nonetheless.  But nevertheless I do believe that these things have the possibility of working.  So why not give it a go?  But I don’t think that meeting one person for a coffee or a drink, whom I’ve gotten to know online, should necessarily be defined as a “date” because we don’t know each other that well, we don’t know if we have a romantic interest in one another.  And to me, being on a “date” with someone should have a purely romantic or sexual or lustful goal, right?  A date isn’t platonic.

So I’ll stick to the term “meeting up with” these people.  However, when I used to tell some of my colleagues that I was meeting up with a guy, certain among them took this to mean that I was having sex with them that evening, or at the very least that it was a “date”.  So where does the boundary lie?  Am I kidding myself, am I really jumping into the dating game?  And is there therefore a problem if I meet up with two of these people within the same week? I’m hardly a player, I’m not even kissing them or anything (unless things go very well… I have a “first night” rule, you know)… but some people view this from a different perspective to me.  And then when does “meeting up” with someone transition into “dating” them?  How many times do you meet before you’ve started dating? Do you have to officially define it in agreement with the other person, like a mutual statement of intent? Do you need to have gotten to a certain stage or base or whatever you want to term it?  It’s very confusing!

And that’s just if you both feel a similar way, or you both want to take things further.  What about if you don’t? I had one guy recently who couldn’t stop messaging me, who couldn’t stop texting me, and I found myself dreading talking to him.  Any time I didn’t reply within 5 minutes, I would receive a subsequent message exhorting me to pay attention / come back / tell him why I was annoyed with him.  I wasn’t at first, but I did get tired of it very quickly! I found myself agreeing to meet him in person for two reasons: 1) he might be more tolerable in person.  After all, although I’ve found it’s a fairly good indicator, you can’t judge someone on their online persona alone.  I do not believe that you can date someone over the internet, or have an internet boyfriend.  Before I even got to any kind of romantic vocabulary, I would have to meet them in person.  2) this is maybe a little bit mean, but I wanted to get it over with.  I thought if I met him once, then that would be that and I would have given him a legitimate ‘chance’ and then could call it a day without marring my conscience.  But what exactly would I be calling a day? I had no romantic interest, no spark towards him whatsoever.  He annoyed me as a person even just talking to him online, so why did I feel it would be a good idea to continue the dialogue? As it happened, my instincts were on the money, and after we’d met he informed me he had bought me something, and I realised (along with a little help from my friends) the only way to get through to him was to block him outright.  I felt awful, and it took nearly another week, but the message got through finally and I haven’t heard from him since.

I feel relieved, but then what is the etiquette when it’s the other way round?  I like to think that I am not persistent or nagging, but at the same time I do give people a couple of chances before I write them off as a “twat” “not interested”.  I certainly don’t persist and persist, because I would feel stupid if I were too naïve to get the hint, and I would feel bad to make that other person uncomfortable, when in reality neither of us have done anything wrong.  Emotions aren’t something you can hold a person accountable for; people can’t help how they feel.  It’s how they act on said emotions that is the basis on which they should be judged.  But when do you decide to stop trying?  After two ignored messages on MSN? Two ignored text messages? One unanswered voicemail?  Where is the quota for these things?  And who do you blame, do you examine yourself and see what you could have done better / differently so as not to alienate them? Or do you just chalk it up to two people not fitting together.  What if this happens repeatedly with a few different people? (luckily this hasn’t happened to me, yet….. but I’m just wondering)

It’s hard online or by text, let alone in a face-to-face arena, when you don’t know where you stand, where that other person stands.  I try to meet people in person fairly quickly because I don’t like a friendship or any kind of relationship (platonic, sexual etc.) to be conducted solely through the internet or by text message – personal contact conducts warmth.  But when you take into account the kind of games that other people might be playing (one-track mind, hard-to-get, trying to hide their interest or disinterest… the list goes on), and the kind of games you are expected to play in response or as a courting tactic… it’s hard not to overthink these things.  And is overthinking a relationship as bad as being utterly thoughtless?  Surely the ideal is a middle ground between the two, where there is a balance between awareness of the other friend / partner, and awareness of self?  But how is that balance maintained?  What kind of things tip the balance without us realising? Or is constant maintenance of that balance just too idealistic?

I don’t expect anyone to have the answers to these questions, but if you’ve got any ideas then feel free to jot them down to me, and we’ll trade stories. Have a good evening y’all?

3 comments

  1. Not all dates have to be romantic unless you are in a serious relationship. But i find it mostly about good chemistry, because if u have that then your “meetings with people” or “dates” will go swell. i am alittle confused if you’re saying that you are interested in someone. Because if you are, then there’s no harm in showing that you’re alittle interested until you find out they’re a complete slob lol. Sadly, dating is like a game. you have to cancel out people until you find the right person who share the same interests with you. i may not be a relationship expert, but i have had a few long term relationships in the past ( mostly six months). About your friend’s annoying messaging, i am going through the same thing, for now my guy does have a reason to take forever to reply because of summer vacation lol. Also there is nothing wrong with online dating (except for preditars) i would usually do that after a major break up in the real word. it helps me to forget and move on, but online relationships don’t last for very long anyway. it’s just an open minded thought. Anyway to add on to your delimma. just relax, have fun, and if you do like someone then just ask them on a real date. Also it’s better to over think than to be utterly thoughtless. just communicate! ^_^ laters


    • Thankyou for the reply, and for reading everything! I’m not really interested in anyone at the moment but I’d just been meeting up with several people from the internet and there were situations when either that person was talking to me non-stop and I wasn’t interested, and then situations where I would message him after I thought we’d had a good conversation in person, and he doesn’t reply… so I was just writing it all out and I guess I came up with more questions than answers! But I think you are right, just to relax and have fun with it. Thanks 🙂


  2. no problem ^_^ ohh, ok i get your situation lol. yea that can be hard being nice to someone when they constantly annoy you lol. i guess you could always say that you don’t see them more than a friend if they ever ask. And about your other problem. maybe try talking to them on the phone more. i don’t like texting very much anymore, my bf is always too busy to reply sometimes.



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